This past month I attended an all-women’s soul restoration retreat/camp, called Rest, Restore, Roar and to even say that God did and is doing amazing things would be an understatement. If you are someone who has been to church camp, or something similar you know that when you leave at the end of it you have this whole new feeling/perspective on things. Like the sun is shining brighter, the sky is bluer, and that nothing can stop you from achieving your biggest goals or tackling your biggest hurdles. Well, this experience is no different in that sense, BUT the way that it is different is that it truly gives you the tools you need to defend yourself against the enemy, when he tries to creep back in, It gives you strength and a Tribe to deal with it. As someone who has been through a lot of life changes the past couple of years, as well as just being on an emotional rollercoaster even longer. I am now navigating moving forward with God’s plans rather than my own, and this was exactly what I needed.

Stephanie Harder, repeat camper, 2021 and 2022

We are going to spend time with horses? Oh no we aren’t. I’m afraid of horses!!!! They are big and uncontrollable and can hurt you! I was in Texas on retreat. I tried to persuade my way out of this insane adventure. The sympathy was not coming. Did no one care? Surely I could be given a pass. A hard pass. Nope. Get in the car. First group. No relief. We drove. Laughed. I felt very tender and almost in tears. What the heck!? Fear? Frustration? Uncomfortable?We pull up. Our leader got out of the car first. Two dogs. One bit her. It was a sure sign from the universe to get back in the car. I did! Wait! Where is everyone going. Ugh!……
We found the barn and the people. I was ready to cry. Faint. Stomp my feet. I told anyone that would listen that I was afraid. I applied oils. Took deep breaths. They were reading scripture. Didn’t they know I was in panic mode. Yes I know horses pick up on your fear! That makes me fearful. Someone picked my horse. I walked over with her. She made me apply to harness. I got it wrong. My horses name was Treasure. Older and docile they said. Still looked like a horse to me.We walked to the arena. Why do I want to cry writing this? We were instructed to walk the horses in circles. Well the more we walked the more Treasure jerked my chain. Pulling. Leading. Me. In my head I said over and over again, I’m done. I’m not doing this. I can’t. I won’t. We stopped to listen to the Holy Spirit. Tears were flowing. Why Lord? Mark, one of the leaders, walked over. How awkward. Hi Mark. I can’t stop crying. Mark’s words, so who was leading who? Him. He was leading me. Does he not like me, I asked? ( so telling) Mark was calm and wise. His reply- looks like your fear was leading you. Cue the flood. He stood there a bit without speaking and walked away. I asked the Lord what am I afraid of? Three layers of answers came: fear of not doing or being enough, then fear of not being loved, then the root one, fear of being hurt. Wow. This can mirror emotional, spiritual, and physical pain I thought. They had us try and synchronize our breathing with the horse. Most of us were convinced horses held their breath. I breathed. Tried to relax. Stroked Treasures neck. On the next arena walk we started out so well. Me leading. Me in charge. Then Treasure took over again. Let’s check out the water trough. Let’s see if there is a snack in this bucket. Let’s walk Kay into the fencing. My fear took over again. To say this was a life changing day is a no brainer. Holy Spirit says to me, where in your life do you live from fear? What decisions do you make out of fear? Fear of letting others down? Fear of rejection and pain? Fear of being hurt. Fear WAS leading me. So eye opening in so many ways. Even yesterday I wasn’t going to do something, out of fear, and I said out loud. Enough of this. I’m sick of fear. You guys, where is fear jerking your chain and causing you to make decisions that do not have your best interest in mind? Was my identity taking its direction from fear or the Holy Spirit? Someone mentioned these words- sin is not walking in your identity! Was I letting my fear lead me down a sinful path of my own doing? When you know better you do better right? At least I am paying attention and asking. And battling that fear. With Him.

Kay Simpson, 2022